Okay. So the title of this piece is misleading. We flew to Siberia, where Ivan Drago – the one-time Soviet Union boxing machine – was shipped when he lost his 1985 cold war bout to one American “Little Engine That Could,” the monosyllabic Rocky Balboa.
He has been living with Boris and Natasha of Rocky and Bullwinkle fame, all three shunned by society for their failure to destroy their respective American nemeses.
However, despite our attempts to get his reaction to the recent news that femal punk rock band “Pussy Riot” was sentenced to 2 years in prison for hooliganism, we were unable to get him to comment. The women were arrested in February for a guerilla performance inside Moscow’s main cathedral where they performed a protest song about Mr. Vladimir Putin.
Despite goading, begging, and pleading from The Daily Refried’s Russian rep, all Ivan Drago could muster was rocking in a corner and mumbling “I must break you” at a bag of saltines.
So, we explored the country and tried to take in the culture – and, more importantly we wanted to learn what else, besides hooliganism you can be arrested for. Here is an incomplete list:
- Sock-hopping
- Soda-jerking
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Having romantic relationship with bear
- Drinking RedBull, juice, water, or milk without vodka
- Rocking a babushka to the right (It’s like the Bloods and Crips out there and the old Russian ladies forgive no one)
- Dimples. (That is a muscle deformity. Imperfection is not permitted in Russia)
- Mouth-breathing
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Conspiring with moose and squirrel.
- Tattling. (Snitches do, in fact, get stitches there.)
- Speaking ill of Rasputin.
- Watching, mentioning, or referring in any way to Rocky IV – that American propaganda film
- Loitering. In your bed. As you sleep.
- Obstructing the mail-order bride trade.
- Missing annual pilgrimage to Branson, Missouri to see the incomparable Yakov Smirnoff
- Referring to nesting-dolls as “Russian Nesting Dolls”… Of course they’re Russian, idiot.
- Using the phrase “squirrel and moose” to refer to human genitalia. (That’s Russian blasphemy) (Don’t ask how I know this.)
Your handsome and humble servant-
El Guapo writes The Daily Refried, and is, without question, the foremost authority on all things sinvergüenza. Follow him on Facebook or Twitter @TheDailyRefried.
