If you believe the Mayans (and you’d be an idiot not to), time as we know it will end this year.  At first glance this sounds like tragic news, but there’s a silver lining here. Failing to follow through on your resolutions shouldn’t fill you with anguish this year…Your imminent doom at the end of 2012 should fill you with anguish.
Let’s start by looking at all the things you won’t join this year…
  1. the gym (for longer than a month)…you’ll, of course, keep paying the monthly fee because you’re convinced that paying for it in and of itself is the first step to the six pack abs and the ass that won’t quit.
  2. the cub scouts (because they won’t have you, and, quite frankly, while it may be cute on a kid, the uniform gives everyone the serious heebs on an adult.)
  3. a good cause (No one’s stopping you, we’re just betting against you. Sorry.)
  4. the freemasons (they rule the world you know…but they don’t need another member who wants to sit and watch the game and drink a domestic beer rather than actively plot diabolical world domination
  5. your local grocery store’s savings club. (They, in an unprecedented move, have denied you that coveted plastic savings card because of your habit of eating grapes as you shop- that and because of your weird cabbage fetish.)
  6. hands with your enemies (Screw that noise, they’ll get what’s coming to them and like it.)
  7. PETA (You find animals too fun to eat and shoot…hopefully not in that order)
  8. A fight club again, (Not after the last time…with all the crying and begging for mercy you did and all that getting pummeled in the face with another person’s knees.)
  9. the neighborhood watch (you rightfully assume it’s an excuse to be a metiche, plus you’re the one who keys the cars of neighbors who’ve wronged you.)
  10. a cult. (All the good ones have a suicide pact, and since the world will end this year, that’s no longer a selling point
Your handsome and humbleservant-
El Guapo
[photo by at home in scottsdale]

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