A clever turn of a phrase or some creative flourishes are generally roundly welcomed, but, as with anything, there is a time and a place for everything.

10. During 911 calls

“Hurry. Send help. The man is brandishing a sharp blade at me like some sneering pirate intent on brutality  I feel like a defenseless fawn…. Ugh…ack…[gurgle]… [silence]…[dial tone]”

9. In instruction manuals

“Insert sprocket A gently into slot B as one might press a new spring rose bulb into soil warmed by the rays of a May sunrise.”

8. On the witness stand

“Yeah, so the defendant punched me in the head and then ran off like a gazelle.  Blood gushed from my wounds fountain-like. ”

7. Before, during, or after your gang initiation

“Please, future gang brothers, stop bludgeoning me like some blood-filled piñata, since, like a blood-filled piñata there is nothing tasty inside me…”

6. On your application to the Hell’s Angels

“Finally, I’ve attached a poem I’ve entitled “Ode To My Old Lady”.  ‘Your eyes, my dear, are nothing like the shine off the chrome of my hog…’”

5. In the operating room

“Now massage the heart with your thumbs as you might when giving your lover an erotic message – firm, yet tender.”

4. During an intervention

“Beer is like water… we all need it to survive, you can bathe in it, and it provides nourishment to every cell in our bodies.  Unfortunately, reeking of it is only going to get you fired from your acrobat gig at the circus.  So, quit it.”

3. After the meeting has gone over schedule, on a Friday, and all anyone wants is just to get home

“Just to recap, while you may find the additional form needless, even another bureaucratic hoop to jump through, please fill it out the application in order to qualify to fill out the second application.  And, yes, I assure you that it must be filled out in triplicate.”

2. During a “literal language” convention

“This is so boring.  I’m sure that I will die in the next few moments.”

1.  On your 1040 tax form

[crammed into the tiny line meant for your year’s wages on your W2] “This year I earned $74,000.  While this is slightly improved from last year, I feel that it was in exchange for a pound of flesh if you will.  Going to the office daily was like heading off to the guillotine to be spiritually decapitated every morning, only, like some Promethean joke, to have it regenerate by the next morning.”

Your handsome and humble servant-

El Guapo


photo by BinaryApe