Sinverguenza Spotlight: Sinverguenzas @ Birth
There are some tell-tale signs that give away a sinverguenza in utero and freshly out of utero. The following will help one more effectively identify and tag even the youngest scoundrel. Once identified, we can release them into the wild like some Speckled Owl or something. This way we can track and continue to collect data migration patterns and maturation processes (or lack thereof).
Even before they’re born, sinverguenzas are plotting their escape by scratching rough blueprints and complex diagrams into the walls of their uterine prison using only their still-forming fingernails and sheer will.
Then, flares are set off so that fellow teeny, teeming sinvergüenzas busting out of the joint that day can perhaps meet for drinks somewhere to scheme and work out plans for total world domination or some other dastardly thing – after the messy business of being born, of course.
Less Than Perfect Timing
And, for the record, sinverguenzas are apt to make their debut at the most inopportune times – like during critical sporting events, meals, sexual intercourse, and/or potentially lucrative business transactions (yes, that door-to-door sock salesman counts as a lucrative business transaction). This deficient sense of timing regrettably follows many of these youngsters throughout their lives to the chagrin of the rest of us, and, as a result, pretty soon you have shameless, clueless adults a-knocking on vans even though they’re obviously a-rocking.
Accordingly, a disproportionate number of sinvergüenzas find their way into telemarketing and religions demanding door knocking and aggressive solicitation. So, in either case, in an effort to scare you into conversion with visions of fire and brimstone, they disrupt you during dinner, an overtime game, and/or sex since they never developed the sense to consider the consequences of their actions beyond their own self-interest.
By the way, good luck getting back to any of the aforementioned proceedings they thoughtlessly interrupted. The most impressive among these sinverguenza specimens are inexplicably tenacious and will actually stand at your front door undaunted while you peek through the blinds and then try unsuccessfully to lie on the floor in hopes that they tire and leave. Once you inevitably answer the door, they will insist that you detail your beliefs on the afterlife and that you consider how damned you might be. As you stand there dumbfounded, holding the live chicken that you were about to sacrifice to Beelzebub, your dark lord and master, the sonovabitch subsequently explains that you don’t have to die this minute….of embarrassment…and then unflinchingly they move right along to selling some aluminum siding stamped with a Jesus endorsement. I suppose from this one can surmise that some sinvergüenzas are interested in your well being in this life and the next. Don’t be mislead. Their motives are never as obvious as you may think… except for when they are.
To highlight their hardwired knack for bad entrances though, let’s consider what recent research into sinverguenza reproduction has revealed. “Scientists” in white lab coats who have an obsession with everything pre-coitus, coitus, and post-coitus (a smirking pack of dirty, cochino sinverguenzas themselves if there ever was) discovered that sinverguenza timing is impeccable from even before conception. Even as they make that hard right out of their sinverguenza father’s testes, and do their darndest to dupe fellow swimmers via classic cartoon moves like pointing teeming comrades in the wrong direction and dropping strategically placed anvils, they refine their already perfect timing because there is no silver medal in the sperm Olympics. It’s a biological battle royale. By the way, if you are reading this, you can congratulate yourself for having placed first in the aforementioned competition – making you either someone capable of skirting sinverguenza trickery and deception (an impressive and immeasurably valuable skill) or a sinverguenza yourself. Either way, a belated congratulations.
As you would then expect, a sinverguenza barrels into this world in a way that’s going to make you stand there dumbfounded and take notice. When the evening news recounts the story of a pregnant woman holding up a bank only to be interrupted by her bundle of shamelessness making a dash at freedom, his/her tiny hand reaching out of the womb for a gun and cash, rest assured that the little one has identified him/herself. When a woman’s water breaks in a walk-in freezer or right after floors have been mopped to a spotless shine – sinverguenza. When an excruciating labor goes on for day after scream-filled day, that’s just a little Don Corleonish sinvergüenza letting you know who you’ll be answering to now. If the child insists on being born feet first – take notice of their nonconformist/sinverguenza desire to make things difficult. If the child arrives by bungeeing into a toilet as mother confuses labor and bowel movement – smack a sinverguenza sticker on both their foreheads – oh, and wipe the kid down please.
The good news is that once a parent becomes aware of what they’re up against (ie. sin incarnate), they are better equipped to handle the inevitable trials that come with raising a sinvergüenza – an unpleasant labor even Hercules would refuse in favor of re-cleaning the Augean Stables… with his tongue…for life… with ultra-sensitive taste buds…on a 110 degree day… while firmly crammed into a rhinosceros rectum. Fear not – raising a sinverguenza will receive due attention later in the book. Until then, scratch the “college” off of that jar you started to put your spare change in and write “bail”. Sstart saving for what you already suspected.
This brings us to the utterly fascinating subject of sinvergüenza pedigree—something else that we’ll explore at length in later chapters, but which deserves at least a smarmy nod here. Like some sort of self-selecting thoroughbred, the sinvergüenza is doomed to breed exclusively with others cut from the same filthy cloth. Researchers have known for some time that there is some deep biological design that attracts sinverguenzas almost exclusively to one another for the purpose of reproduction. While sinvergüenzas are utterly happy to chase tail – generally regardless of size, shape, color, or even species of the particular tail (sinverguenzas are intensely inclusive) – it is both ironic and downright scary that the only match that will result in conception is a sinverguenza-sinverguenza pairing. So, while red-heads are doomed to become extinct in the next 100 years, sinverguenzas are growing and screwing at unheard of rates, resulting in a sort of biological bullet proof vest. Sinverguenzas will join roaches as the only survivors of a nuclear Armageddon, a nuclear Armageddon that they will surely be the root cause of.
Your humble and handsome servant-
El Guapo
[Photo by futurestreet]