Mitt has already made it clear that his personal life, his professional life, his taxes, his specific legislative plans, his previous positions on all politically salient issues, and his previous employment are all off limits to the press.
He will, however, answer the following three questions: “What up, dog?” “How about this weather?” and “Obama sucks, huh?” – but might have to check with his advisors.
In a rather bold move, Mitt’s people are disclosing the fact that Romney has always suffered from a condition known as the Dahmer-Gacy Syndrome, where any conversation focusing on innocent people being physical harmed, or killed results in sexual excitement. There have been only a few confirmed cases of DGS, but those who suffer from the condition are encouraged to avoid the topics altogether, and to have things at hand that will help avoid awkward situations. As a result, many have noticed that wherever Mitt goes he stands in front of a potted fern that is about waist high.
Romney’s campaign spokesperson is asking the media to respect the family by treating this revelation with some tact and sensitivity. In a press release, the media is advised to look at things this way: “It’s like he has cancer, cancer of the soul.”
Your handsome and humble servant-