CONCORD, N.H. – After a tense few weeks, one of Rick Santorum’s beloved sweater vests has broken ties with the campaign. Santorum has gone on record as crediting his illogical rise in the polls to one particular sweater-clad moment, a visit to a retirement community in NH. “If there was one event that really began the momentum, it was that speech. So all of a sudden the sweater vest was like ‘Fear the Vest.”
Santorum. Confused. Vestless.
The vest in question has shunned the media since news of the split was made public, but sources close to the GAP cotton knit say that this was not an impulsive decision. “This is the result of a lot of soul searching,” shared an argyle sock who shared a drawer with the vest. “Santorum has expressed his rabid homophobia time and time again, and I guess it just became too much to handle. He’s compared homosexuality to bestiality and polygamy and has twisted research to put forth the idea that a child is better off with a father in prison than having gay parents.”
The argyle sock went on to hypothesize that Santorum could be another in a long line of closeted gay politicians who – perhaps in a desperate fit of self-denial – rages against homosexuality until inevitably the truth is revealed. Doth Santorum protest too much?
Or Santorum could be one in an even longer line of politicians who use xenophobia to get votes from dumb asses.