Mitt Romney and newly anounced VP running mate, Paul Ryan of Wisconsin, want to hit the ground running because, after all, in politics “It’s the economy, stupid.”
However, they admit that their economic plan might be too complex, too filled with detailed explanations of financial nuances and brimming with technical jargon that will leave common folk scratching their common lice-ridden heads. The average Joe may not get just how some key tweaks will revitalize the sagging economy and make it shoot up like Frankenstein’s monster getting a sudden jolt of Mitt Juice (™ pending). So, Willard “Mittens” Romney and Paul Ryan e-mailed El Guapo personally and asked him to break it all down in such a way that even a really disturbed 3rd grader would totally understand it.
Alright, so let’s begin with “trickle-down economics” - the economic policy touted by St. Ronald Reagan’s administration and what most conservatives still hold as the best way to fuel an economy. Not only is it the way to get an economy out of a rut, but it is also the only way to keep a vibrant economy growing. To put it simply, the policy entails the country doing everything possible to get the wealthy more money – via tax breaks, loopholes, refunds, tax shelters, creative book keeping, allowances, etc.. The result is that these job creators will partake in Dionysian orgies – but eventually the bounty will trickle down to everyone else. The small problem with this is that economists have wholeheartedly disproven this.
The Romney-Ryan plan stays true to the same “trickle-down” principles, but is a bit more refined. Romney reportedly said, “We classed that shit up good.”
Here’s a quick primer: The idea behind the Republican plan came from an Oscar-calibre movie called “The Human Centipede” about a demented surgeon who connects unsuspecting victims anus to mouth in a string of classy cinema.
Here is the Romney-Ryan plan in layman’s terms:
Feed the richest in the nation as much as humanly possible, give them everything we got. Tax cuts for Wal-Mart heirs. Wall Street bailouts.
Middle class, be patient. Sure, you’re footing the bill, but wait until “the job creators get rolling.” You’ll get yours soon enough. As for the working poor, Mr. Romney has said he’s “not concerned about the very poor.” Well, that’s because he has a plan for them too, dum dum.
The job-creators digest what you feed them – letting their digestive juices improve and create a plethora of job opportunities and whatnot. They buy. Jobs are created. The economy then begins to roll like a well-greased machine.
Middle class, small business owners, I told you to be patient.
Now is your time.
You’ll get the runoff from the waves that will spurt forth from the wealthy. The rich will feed you. Pucker up. They’ve done the chewing and digesting on your behalf – you know, the hard stuff. In other words, they went to White Castle, and you get the sliders.
The working poor. Well there you are. After the folks in front of you buy a bag of Funyons and take it home to call it dinner, they will see you panhandling. They will toss you a shiny nickel. You will be just fine because you will have earned that nickel. You will feel an inner pleasure of having earned that nickel. You will hunt an alley rat and smile at your good fortune. And who do you have to thank? You got it.
Have any questions? Ask away.
Your handsome and humble servant-