BOZEMAN, MT– A toddler who was discovered being raised by a pack of Neo-Nazi, meth-addicted wolves in southern Montana earlier this year is said to be in particularly good spirits after last week’s Republican National Convention. Authorities estimate that she is about four years old and survived her ordeal by mirroring the unpredictable, selfish behavior of the white-hooded wolves. While she is reported to be picking up language at a breakneck pace, she is unable to shake a few troubling habits from her former addict-canine family, primarily urinating as a sign of dominance and angry outbursts when she perceives a threat.
Even for a toddler, she is particularly impulsive, often prone to violent temper tantrums when she does not get her way. While these traits were considered troublesome, it seems that she watched the RNC last week with rapt attention after finding a kindred spirit shouting red-faced and gesticulating wildly. The young girl mistook Republican presidential nominee, Donald Trump, for a frightened orangutan with the power to speak fiery, simplisitc rhetoric and type misspelled outbursts onto his small portable rectangle using his disproportionately small thumbs. After finding someone with less self-control than her previous pack mates, the girl expressed feeling inspired. The large ape who manages to scare and control others by pounding his chest and blowing raspberries is often found throwing himself to the ground, kicking and screaming incoherently. This familiar behavior and its success in garnering support has inspired her to join his ravenously ignorant pack in the very near future. She eventually plans to run for office herself.
Your handsome and humble servant-
Image by By VanessaQ (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons