Newt Gingrich, Sith Lord

Go ahead, call Newt Gingrich a deceptive, racist, amoral sack of putrid excrement.

Go ahead, question his ethics and bring up the that during his tenure as Speaker of the House he had 84 ethics charges filed against him, that he was fined over $300,000.

Go ahead, mention the countless times in his current campaign that he’s made implicit and explicitly racist comments without batting an eye. (Although, in all fairness, so has just about everyone else.)

Go ahead, bring up how the man from the party waving the flag of traditional family values has been married three times.

Go ahead, mention that he cheated on both of his first two wives (one while she was fighting cancer and on her death bed and the other as he was simultaneously laying into Bill Clinton for identical conduct.)

Go ahead, bring up his shady connections to Fannie Mae. Feel free.

Go ahead, start yapping about how he 180-ed his immigration stance once he heard the crickets chirping after seemingly putting forth the idea that the party should rethink their current nonsensical approach.

Go ahead, I fucking dare you, because you’re dealing with a goddamn Sith Lord – one who would make Palpatine shake in his empirical boots.

Newt is a master of the dark side of the force, and, as we all know, this allows him to use the Jedi Mind Trick (a misnomer since Jedis are not the exclusive owners of this skill).

The Jedi Mind Trick, to clarify, works only on the weak-minded. Case in point: During the GOP debate  in S. Carolina, he was asked about his ex-wife’s allegations that he wanted an open marriage and responded with:

“I think the destructive, vicious, negative nature of much of the news media makes it harder to govern this country, harder to attract decent people to run for public office, and I am appalled that you would begin a presidential debate with a topic like that.”

He got a standing ovation.

In case you are still somehow skeptical that Newt is a Sith Lord – remember, a guy who looks like this (and who has more or less looked like this since birth) has gotten laid repeatedly.

Your handsome and humble servant-

El Guapo

[Photos by DonkeyHotey, Gage Skidmore]