The Pew Research Center released data showing that Latinos are no longer the largest group of new immigrants to The United States. The title now belongs to Asians.

Well played, Asians.

Well played. (While you can’t see this, I’m currently giving you an ironic standing ovation, complete with a deliberate slow clap.)

The game, however, is far from over. With so much at stake, The Latino community is seething and El Guapo and The Daily Refried are currently organizing international rallies to rectify this situation. Fine, truth be told, we couldn’t come up with much of a plan so they’re pretty much just orgies. Just big ol’ orgies meant to get Latinos back in the game through reproduction, because being the largest group of new immigrants brings with it oh so many perks, including:

  • a deep respect for the cultural nuances among your very different national and ethnic identities. (For the sake of simplicity though, you will all be assumed to be from one country, have one religion, and have homogeneous opinions on just about everything. For instance, in order to streamline, all Latino immigrants are assumed to be Mexican. It’s a timesaver. I’m sure you understand.)
  • an appreciation for immigration as a fundamental part of an ever globalizing economy.

These proposed gatherings will obviously happen in border towns along the US/Mexico border – where  9 months later we will use hand-me-down catapults the cartels have used to launch drugs and guns over the border fence to instead launch immigrant children from Mexico and Central and South America.

The power of being the number one group of new immigrants has so many advantages that it seems inevitable that one of two things occur:

1. The two groups will join forces, creating an immigrant behemoth to be reckoned with – one that is phenomenal at math and has the landscaping prowess of one young Edward Scissorhands.

Here is just one example – found on of what just one benefit of this hybrid might look like: Chicano-Japanese rap.

2. There will be a bloody war (think Mothra versus El Chapulin Colorado) leaving only one group standing, waiting to be embraced by a loving, accepting, immigrant-loving nation.

El Guapo

El Guapo writes The Daily Refried, and is, without question, the foremost authority on all things sinvergüenza. Follow him on Facebook or Twitter @TheDailyRefried.

[Photo by dailylifeofmojo]