How, you ask, do Nebraska GOP lawmakers explain the seemingly glaring contradictions of being staunchly pro-life, fetus-protecting Christians and yet opposing a law that would help provide prenatal care for undocumented women? El Guapo doesn’t know, but he does know it isn’t going over well in the fetus community.
First, let me disclose the fact that El Guapo too was once a fetus. This is not something I talk about much. It’s not something I’m particularly proud of. These were dark times – at least until my eyesight developed. I have come to terms with this part of my life after many hours of counseling.
As a former undocumented fetus though, I can speak directly to the diabolical thoughts that swirl in these tiny, unstable brains in utero, and I can assure you that you don’t want to anger fetuses.
Through my contacts, I’ve gotten a message from an undocumented fetus on the inside regarding the current developments in Nebraska:
“First, let me concede that we are shitty house guests. We ransack the joint with absolutely no consideration for the accommodations being made on our behalf. We cause constant discomfort – and let’s not even discuss our exit strategy. We push hormonal buttons at the control panel like it’s whack-a-mole and then we giggle as we make our hosts crave asbestos on crackers and elicit mood swings that toss our captors from one extreme emotion to its opposite within the same sentence.
“But despite all this and the fact that fetuses have a long history of growing into total fucking assholes – i.e. Hitler, Ghengis Khan, Geraldo Rivera – Nebraska Gov. Dave Heineman and company have been unyielding supporters of fetus-kind. Until now that is, and this will be their undoing.
“With this recent opposition to providing basic prenatal care for a vulnerable segment of our kind, they have awakened a sleeping giant ["giant" because we form like Voltron when angered]. They have gone after our hosts and threatened our well-being in the process. We cannot stand idly by.
“Gov. Heineman forgets that soon enough we will be in his beloved Nebraska and our fine-motor skills will allow us to wield sharp weapons in a mere matter of months.
“Until then we are not helpless, we stand behind the scenes like some Iago, whispering hauntingly in our host’s ears, controlling these puppets who insist we call them “mom.”
“Here’s a message that we’ve relayed via our spokesperson on the outside:
“Since you think our mothers look like this,
Your handsome and humble servant-