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Throughout history, Jesus Christ’s name has been connected to everything from justifying heinous acts of violence to, when shouted, making you feel better after stubbing a toe. (He’s commonly referenced in thank you speeches by athletes, actors, porn stars and tyrants. One has to assume that Christ is an avid fan of the aforementioned groups.)
However, after many years of only appearing in grilled cheese and sweat stain form, Christ resurfaced to announce his formal endorsement of the P90X fitness system and the fact that he is no longer endorsing compassion.
One glance at a crucified Christ in any Catholic church and it’s easy to see why Christ was selected to be P90X’s new spokesperson – sick pythons, sculpted abs, and about 2% body fat. But the real question is why did he accept and, perhaps as importantly, why ditch compassion considering it was one of his big talking points?
Compassion is no longer paying the bills, and “it just ain’t sexy”. You can’t fill the pews with compassion. You don’t get much national attention for the golden rule, he argues. “But with my newly chiseled P90X abs, watch that collection plate overflow.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret making compassion “my thing” just like you don’t regret that Care Bear tattoo on your ass. It made sense for us at the time. We can laugh about it now. Simple youthful indiscretions.”
Jesus made it clear that the Republicans are the political party of the future. They’ve backed him for a while and he feels a need to throw them a bone with an endorsement. Although, he wants to clarify, they’ve earned it. They are miles ahead of the curve on this whole compassionless thing, having thrown compassion, along with the poor under the bus some time ago, while still referring to Jesus and his dad in every speech they give.
Jesus wants fans, also known as Believers (not to be mistaken for Beliebers), to know that part of the reason he abandoned the poor is that the poor are notoriously out of shape. If they get their act together and start some P90X, he might reconsider, but he just doesn’t see that happening. But, as always, he’ll also only help those who help themselves.