It was a win-win Friday night. Or, so it appeared.
While most things come far too easy for El Guapo due to his obscene good looks and sparkling fucking personality, the outcome of Friday’s PowerBall drawing was totally random and exactly what he needs every once in a while – a chance to fail. Here, finally, was a prize that would not simply be handed to him by someone standing dumbfounded, drooling at the spectacle that is His Guapo-ness. Because, despite what you might think, getting exactly what you want at all times gets pretty old.
The odds of winning Friday night were the same as getting struck by lightning 50 times, so unless the randomized machines that select the lotto balls could develop an appreciation for human beauty, it seemed like it would be a night where El Guapo would find himself in the same sad boat as the rest of humanity.
Of course, when opportunities like the $640 million jackpot arise, El Guapo jumps at the chance to get in on the hysteria and rub shoulders with the masses – the teeming, unwashed masses. He particularly likes to stare into the eyes of each 7-11 customer as he/she is handed a ticket that represents the hopes and dreams of a lifetime, hopes and dreams, that like that beef jerky and 82 oz. Mountain Dew they just purchased, are doomed for an unfortunate – but predictable – end. [Pun definitely intended there.]
But, in a twist of fate that rivals the inexplicable success of Channing Tatum, El Guapo found himself saving about $200 million dollars by not winning the jackpot. It seems that the winner of $640 million dollars will find themselves paying about that amount in local, state, and federal taxes. So, once again, even in his valiant attempt to fail, to feel human, El Guapo managed to prosper.
How will he begin to spend his savings, you ask? After buying mad stock in beef jerky and Mountain Dew of course, El Guapo plans to travel the world. Another priority, however, will be to bring awareness to the plight of the supremely good looking – an often ignored and incredibly small segment of society but a group that can no longer live in the shadows for fear of being chased by lunatics who don’t understand that under these exquisite exteriors we have exquisite hearts that yearn for normalcy.
If you’d like to donate to the cause or be part of our board of directors, please contact me immediately.
Your handsome and humble servant-
[photo by Robert S. Donovan]