FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
The C.L.A.P. (Conservative Latino Alliance for Prosperity) is holding it’s Annual Membership Drive throughout the month of June.
The C.L.A.P. (Conservative Latino Alliance for Prosperity) was founded in 1912 and is the oldest Conservative Latino organization in the nation. For 100 years, we’ve worked tirelessly to return the country to core conservative principles and specifically to bring together conservative Latinos to construct a better tomorrow. (“Tomorrow” is the name of the section of the US border wall that we have adopted and are charged with maintaining. As of today, it is built of asbestos, AIDS infected needles, and human skulls meant to send a clear message. We have succeeding in training vultures to peck out the eyes of intruders while cawing “The Star Spangled Banner”.)
Here are some of our organization’s guiding principles:
Pillar 1: Immigration
Fact: Rare baseball cards, comics, and stamps increase in value the scarcer they become. With over 50 million Latinos in the US, our value in this country has become more and more diluted with each year. As a result, The C.L.A.P. aims to deport all Latinos (regardless of residency status) until four or five very valuable Latinos remain. There is power in numbers – very, very small numbers.
Pillar 2: Economic prosperity
The market whisperers – Wall Street bankers, CEOs of large corporations, trust fund billionaires, and wealthy politicians – are entrusted by God to help distribute wealth. God only gives to those who deserve it. You don’t like what’s trickling down? Take that up with the big guy.
Pillar 3: Social Justice
Love your fellow man, but do not interfere with natural selection*. Those unable to afford healthcare, food, etc. must have traits that have been deemed undesirable and these traits are being weeded out in order to strengthen the human race. (Also, gays are icky, icky bad people so don’t love your fellow man in that way.)
* by “natural selection” we are not referring to the liberal propaganda, but rather to God’s ongoing smiting of those deemed unworthy – like cannibals, masturbators, racial/ethnic minorities, and the handicapped.
No one is safe until every man, woman, and child is armed to the teeth. Literally, we think the mouth is a great place to conceal weapons to ensure that the liberals and the gays don’t trample your constitutional right to surgically implant assault weapons into your bicuspids.
The C.L.A.P. will be holding our centennial membership drive throughout the month of June and encourage all conservative Latinos who are not already a part of this amazing cause to support our mission by either donating and/or attending our rally outside of Marco Rubio’s house on June 28th.
- Childcare will be provided in our AnchorBaby-sitting tent. Magician and finger-printing provided free of charge.
- Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney will be leading a self-deportation seminar that is electrifying, informative, hilarious, and caffeine-free.
- Latino Republican sensation Marco Rubio will provide a workshop on how to vote against your best interests while maintaining a straight face. Participants must be on serious psychedelics in order to participate.
- A guy with an accordion will be there. We all love accordions, don’t we?
Help set traditional politics on fire. You can volunteer to join our street team and help spread The C.L.A.P. to the masses. Can’t make it? Donate.
The C.L.A.P.’s Leadership:
Juan Juaquin Colon – President/ Chief Consultant
Dick “Pete-O” Johnson – Head of Redundancies and Repetitions
Mirait Nutt-Dominguez – Community Outreach/ C.L.A.P. Distribution Specialist
Como, Manchais, Wey Inc. – Social Media Community Managers
Niy Madre – Director of Latino Credibility Procurement