If there’s one thing that sin- and someverguenzas share, is the basic human need for love and affection. Of course, these two groups’ take on love and all “related topics” could not be more different. Here El Guapo generously applies the hand sanitizer and puts on the latex gloves to explore the sinverguenza world of love and romance.
“Love is a serious mental disease” ~ Plato
Considering that the above quote resonates, nay, drips with utter truth, we must stand wary of sinverguenzas who bring, in unmarked Tupperware containers, their particularly foul “mental diseases” to the already overflowing buffet line of love, dating, and relationships
Luckily for you, the Dr. is in. So, hop on the exam table. Keep your clothes on, cochin@.
People often say, “But Guapo, you wouldn’t understand my problems. You’re so perfect in every way that you can’t possibly appreciate how complex this love business is for us average folks. Love is surely thrown at your feet—fights to the death breaking out for a flash of that infectious smile.” And so, in response, I stand there awkwardly and twirl my lush chest hair around my finger while crickets inexplicably begin chirping, because, hey, it’s an excellent point. The logic is inescapable. However, let’s give it a shot anyway.
Therefore, shake me fiercely—for I am your love life’s magic eight ball. (Fair warning, the previous sentence is also a tried and true sinverguenza pick up line.)
DEAR EL GUAPO: Throughout my dating years, my choice in men has been questionable to say the least. Things usually start off great and predictably turn sour very early in the relationship. So, how does someone know if they’re dating, doting on, or married to a sinverguenza? ~Perplexed in Palo Alto
GUAPO: Well, Perplexed, there are a few telltale signs that might set off an alarm or two, but the most important thing to remember is: Sinverguenzas, overwhelmingly, have had their perceptions of love and romance shaped by daytime television. Why this is so is yet unclear. Sit with him and watch Maury. When the results of the paternity test are announced, watch him carefully. If he looks oddly relieved or even shows flashes of anger on the daddy/not-the-daddy’s behalf when the announcement is made, you might want to slowly, casually grab your purse, run like hell, and not look back. He can relate. He’s clearly had a moment like that before. Also, if the gentleman in question speaks like he stepped out of General Hospital—including using anything resembling a steely-eyed gaze, you might also circle the wagons, because the sinverguenza stink is on him. Nothing good can come of it. Nothing. Run.
Is he penciling in your trysts between appointments with his parole officer and his many court dates for his backed child support? Does he ask you to blow his court-mandated breathalyzer so that he can start his car? (If you’re thinking something dirty, you might want to check the sinvergeunza box on the next census form for yourself, cochino/a). If any of these apply, he also may not be a keeper.
DEAR EL GUAPO: I broke up with my girl before the holidays to avoid having to get her a gift. If I do it again for Valentine’s Day, she’ll catch on. So, how do I go about romancing a lady on a budget, man? ~ Cheap-o in Chicago
GUAPO: Cheap-o, while rose pedals, perfume and chocolate are Valentine’s Day staples – there is a simple approach that a brazen sinverguenza like yourself can use to save a couple bucks and still come out smelling like a rose. First, buy a small blue box from Tiffany’s—only the box. Next, step on it. Finally, come home to the little lady and explain how a burly man with a gun took her very expensive and very tasteful gift —from Tiffany’s—which was obviously inside the box. You will get pity and credit for a great gift…All without spending a dime. Everyone wins.
DEAR EL GUAPO: I like sex. That’s it. ~ Brevity in Boston
GUAPO: Brevity, that’s not a question, but we’d be remiss if we forgot to mention that sinverguenzas are notorious scoundrels. To leave them responsible for anything important in a relationship is ill-advised. Therefore, be forewarned that safe sex for a sinverguenza entails re-corking the box of wine and moving amorous acts over to the plastic –covered couch. (The plastic-covered couch is another signature sinverguenza warning sign.) The box of wine, you ask? Well, nothing sinverguenza about that. That’s just smart shopping.
Your handsome and humble servant-