“It sounds great, but what about those of us who already have an advanced case?” responded one anonymous douchebag while simultaneously texting his friend and blasting the newest dub step club hit. Researchers at The University of Phoenix say that they might be one step closer to eliminating douchebaggery altogether. After inoculating the offspring of douchebag lab mice, it appears that none of the treated mice have developed douchey traits like:
- pride in being an idiot
- intense egocentrism
- a laughable overestimation of their likability, intelligence, and overall human worth
- lack of basic empathy marked by things like enjoying other people’s misfortune and/or bathing in cheap colgne
- wearing of designs depicting tigers or other large cats on clothing
- wearing multiple rings on every finger, including thumbs
“What are those dickfaced brainy scientists doing about that? I know they’re not getting laid because they don’t have a life and shit, so WTF already.” (Yes, this douchebag spelled out the acronym. Spelling acronyms out during a conversation is also a douchebag marker.)
Some experts have said that their efforts to create a vaccine rather than an outright cure makes more sense. One expert explained, “The human brain blazes synaptic paths according to the activities we engage in the most. Olympic athletes who train for hours on end quickly carve neural pathways related to their practice. Douchebags, however, have engaged in douchey behavior for so long, that it seems impossible that a simple pill will ever repave that douchey speedway.
One University of Phoenix researcher added, “Douchbaggery is the polio of our generation. In order to eradicate it, we must focus on those we can save – the children. The children of douchbags are the most at risk as they are both genetically predisposed and are inevitably raised in a very douchey environment. It’s both nature and nurture. Additionally, we have found that the douchebag population is predominantly male. I mean, you have guys wearing V-necks that droop all the way to their studded belts. You got …um… Charlie Sheen. Then, of course, there’s anyone who wears a bow-tie. There’s the ironic douchebags with stupid mustaches. There are those who spend hours at the gym looking at their pecks. There are the douchebags who like obscure music and look appalled that you don’t know who The Panda Ejaculates are. Politicians. Angry internet commenters. Mitt Romney. John Mayer. John Mayer’s cat, Cinnamon. The list is eternal.
Once the vaccinations go into effect, it is difficult to foresee who will hold public office (or watch professional wrestling).
Many postulate that Washington will eventually go eerily silent.
Your handsome and humble servant-
[Photo by Sarah G…]