Charlie Brown’s Holiday-Triggered Suicide Was Preventable, Claims Surly Psychiatrist
Charlie Brown had battled obvious depression since 1950, but the holidays were always especially challenging. His life-long psychiatrist and confidant, Lucy Van Pelt says it didn’t have to end this way. She claims that the recent economic downturn had not missed Brown. He had been recently laid-off from Peppermint Patty’s Birkenstock factory and was unable to scrape together the 5 cents to cover her sessions and was, as a result, left to his own non-existent devices.
She isn’t, she’ll have you know, running a charity.
There were many sources of constant anguish for the Peanuts’ star, and it is uncertain if any one thing in particular pushed him over the edge.  Brown’s “friends”were known to routinely take advantage of old Chuck and belittled him openly.  His pet dog, man’s supposed best friend, was generally of no comfort, preferring to be off on his own. Charles lacked athletic ability, charisma, and was a reputed social pariah. He was forever disenchanted with mankind and holiday consumerism and this cynicism eventually wore some acquaintances down. His estranged relationship with his parents was also no secret.
He was found after apparently swallowing the rocks he received while trick-or-treating this past Halloween. That and he chased the rocks with an entire bottle of anti-depressants.
His funeral was sparsely attended.
Brown is survived by his sister Sally Brown, his dog Snoopy, and two trombone-voiced parents.
Your handsome and humble servant-
El Guapo
[photo by JD Hancock, DB King]