Okay. So the title of this piece is misleading. We flew to Siberia, where Ivan Drago – the one-time Soviet Union boxing machine – was shipped when he lost his 1985 cold war bout to one American “Little Engine That Could,” the monosyllabic Rocky Balboa. He has been living with Boris and Natasha of Rocky and Bullwinkle fame, all three shunned by society for their failure to destroy their respective American...

10. It’s half time and everyone’s still trying to decode the Roman numerals. 9. People are taking their bathroom breaks during the game so as not to miss the commercials. 8. After watching 16 hours of pregame coverage, everyone is asleep by kickoff. 7. Everyone’s trying to explain to your Tio why only the runty guys get to kick the ball. 6. Your friend who gets winded walking to the bathroom keeps shoving nachos in his mouth and...

Some estimates have one in four US adults infected with herpes. Make your Valentine’s Day flare up a source of fun and merriment, not shame. All it takes is a little imagination and an STD – which you probably already have or can contract easily enough. Stay sexy, America. 10. Xs and Os – For sports fans – Pick your favorite sport and use the little lesion to set up winning plays. 9. Presidential Cold Sores – label each sore...

If you believe the Mayans (and you’d be an idiot not to), time as we know it will end this year.  At first glance this sounds like tragic news, but there’s a silver lining here. Failing to follow through on your resolutions shouldn’t fill you with anguish this year…Your imminent doom at the end of 2012 should fill you with anguish. Let’s start by looking at all the things you won’t join this...

Times are tough. After his recent recall in Arizona, the architect of Arizona’s SB1070, Russell Pearce, is out of work and hanging around a Home Depot east of Tempe hoping to land a landscaping job. He brings with him many qualifications, and El Guapo, of kind heart and delectable ass, has a few suggestions for the beloved hero: Wal-Mart Greeter He’s old and racist. I believe Wal-Mart hires greeters exclusively on these two...

After an initial media blackout, the Occupy Wall Street movement has gotten increasing media attention, and, expectedly, the detractors have their claws out now. For those wishing to effectively undermine the movement in quick and effortless Fox-News-esque strokes follow these five easy suggestions:  5. Treat protestors like naive children who must be protected from themselves and don’t understand deep economic complexities of...