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600 Dead as Lumberjacks and Hipsters Fight Over Claim to Cubs’ Jake Arrieta

600 Dead as Lumberjacks and Hipsters Fight Over Claim to Cubs’ Jake Arrieta

The ground was littered with blood, beard, PBR, torn flannel, and mustache wax a mere hour after the Chicago Cubs’ handed the Pittsburgh Pirates a 4-0 loss in Wednesday’s NL Wildcard game. Authorities report that the deadly encounter erupted in The Esoteric Redwood, a hipster-lumberjack bar on Chicago’s Northside. The bar’s hipster patrons were allegedly lulled out of their aloof indifference as large-forearmed...

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Arne Duncan’s Only Regrets: “Some Kids Still Curious; Some Teachers Still Teaching”

Arne Duncan’s Only Regrets: “Some Kids Still Curious; Some Teachers Still Teaching”

During a press conference Friday afternoon, Secretary of Education Arne Duncan announced that he will be stepping down from the post he has held for 7 years. The controversial figure told the group of reporters that he thinks he could have finished the job of creating and implement the ultimate standardized test, one that students would begin in pre-k and complete only upon high school graduation. Working with Pearson, an international...

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Hispanic Heritage Month: Heavy is the Head That Wears The Doritos Sombrero

Hispanic Heritage Month: Heavy is the Head That Wears The Doritos Sombrero

Rejoice for it is here. Boxing matches and beer commercials have indeed marked the start of Hispanic Heritage Month. Everywhere chips and guac are sprinkled generously over festivities. Inflatable cactuses dot the American landscape. TV commercials for McDonald’s begin to feature ethnically ambiguous families with black hair. Christina Aguilera will be on a few extra magazine covers at your local grocery store check out. For Latinos,...

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Republicans Climb Out of NRA Rectum, See Shadow; Tragedies To Continue

Republicans Climb Out of NRA Rectum, See Shadow; Tragedies To Continue

In what’s become a weekly tradition, United States Republicans awoke the morning after another mass shooting and made their way out of the NRA’s colon to stand before an eager crowd on the protruding ridge of the National Rifle Association’s expansive rectum. Donning traditional flag lapel pins and dark, tailored suits, they shuffled around aimlessly in front of flags at half-staff, feeding off the flashbulbs and...

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On Route to Protest Brutality Towards African Lion, Outraged Officer Stops to Brutalize African American Driver

On Route to Protest Brutality Towards African Lion, Outraged Officer Stops to Brutalize African American Driver

After his shift Tuesday, veteran Texas State Trooper Declan Morris made his way to the station eager to change out of his uniform and shoot down I-35 to join his wife at a local rally to show their disdain towards the brutal treatment of African lions. “After hearing about that American dentist who recently hunted and killed that regal creature, Meghan and I knew we couldn’t stand idly by. I mean, for god’s sake, those...

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After Recent Mass Shooting, Young White Males Fear Racial Profiling

After Recent Mass Shooting, Young White Males Fear Racial Profiling

After [insert most recent national tragedy committed by a lone Caucasian lunatic with access to a slew of firearms and a delusional axe to grind], Chip Donaldson Jr. fears what may come next. “Look, I’m just saying, I can see how there might be a national knee-jerk reaction considering that a disproportionate number of these senseless mass shootings are committed by young white guys, but I just don’t think it’s fair...

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