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Trump & Chief Strategist, Steve Bannon: “Sp@*s, N*#@!rs, Bi@*&es, F*&s, and K*@#s Have No Need To Worry”

Trump & Chief Strategist, Steve Bannon: “Sp@*s, N*#@!rs, Bi@*&es, F*&s, and K*@#s Have No Need To Worry”

NEW YORK, NY — President-elect Donald J. Trump met with his chief strategist today in a close-door session in an attempt to determine how to best respond to the growing fear and unrest among many of the nation’s immigrants, Muslims, women, the LGBT community, and people of color. Steve Bannon, Donald Trump’s controversial chief strategist with ties to white supremacy, released the following statement: “I wanted...

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Delegate Cornered At DNC After-Party, Forced to Listen to Tim Kaine’s Kitchen Remodel Story

Delegate Cornered At DNC After-Party, Forced to Listen to Tim Kaine’s Kitchen Remodel Story

PHILADELPHIA, PA– Democratic Vice Presidential Candidate Tim Kaine spared no detail when describing the ordeal he went though last month. His kitchen remodel should have gone smoothly, he assured Iowa Delegate Rufus Delmonte at the DNC after party. “He just kept going on and on,” Delmonte reported. “I wanted him to stop. At one point, I told him I was really thirsty when he started talking about his tough backslash...

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Petulant Toddler Raised by Neo-Nazi, Meth-Addicted Wolves Inspired By Trump’s Success

Petulant Toddler Raised by Neo-Nazi, Meth-Addicted Wolves Inspired By Trump’s Success

BOZEMAN, MT– A toddler who was discovered being raised by a pack of Neo-Nazi, meth-addicted wolves in southern Montana earlier this year is said to be in particularly good spirits after last week’s Republican National Convention. Authorities estimate that she is about four years old and survived her ordeal by mirroring the unpredictable, selfish behavior of the white-hooded wolves. While she is reported to be picking up...

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BREAKING: Researchers Discover 100% Reliable Birth Control Method

BREAKING: Researchers Discover 100% Reliable Birth Control Method

UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX– Researchers at the University of Phoenix’s Lab Coat Campus believe they may have discovered birth control’s holy grail. Scientists indicate that “While popular contraceptives have historically been 90-99% effective when used properly, our findings have yet to find an instance where this newly found method does not instantly stop all forms of sexual activity.” According to the report...

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600 Dead as Lumberjacks and Hipsters Fight Over Claim to Cubs’ Jake Arrieta

600 Dead as Lumberjacks and Hipsters Fight Over Claim to Cubs’ Jake Arrieta

The ground was littered with blood, beard, PBR, torn flannel, and mustache wax a mere hour after the Chicago Cubs’ handed the Pittsburgh Pirates a 4-0 loss in Wednesday’s NL Wildcard game. Authorities report that the deadly encounter erupted in The Esoteric Redwood, a hipster-lumberjack bar on Chicago’s Northside. The bar’s hipster patrons were allegedly lulled out of their aloof indifference as large-forearmed...

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Arne Duncan’s Only Regrets: “Some Kids Still Curious; Some Teachers Still Teaching”

Arne Duncan’s Only Regrets: “Some Kids Still Curious; Some Teachers Still Teaching”

During a press conference Friday afternoon, Secretary of Education Arne Duncan announced that he will be stepping down from the post he has held for 7 years. The controversial figure told the group of reporters that he thinks he could have finished the job of creating and implement the ultimate standardized test, one that students would begin in pre-k and complete only upon high school graduation. Working with Pearson, an international...

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