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Republicans Climb Out of NRA Rectum, See Shadow; Tragedies To Continue

Republicans Climb Out of NRA Rectum, See Shadow; Tragedies To Continue

In what’s become a weekly tradition, United States Republicans awoke the morning after another mass shooting and made their way out of the NRA’s colon to stand before an eager crowd on the protruding ridge of the National Rifle Association’s expansive rectum. Donning traditional flag lapel pins and dark, tailored suits, they shuffled around aimlessly in front of flags at half-staff, feeding off the flashbulbs and...

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After Recent Mass Shooting, Young White Males Fear Racial Profiling

After Recent Mass Shooting, Young White Males Fear Racial Profiling

After [insert most recent national tragedy committed by a lone Caucasian lunatic with access to a slew of firearms and a delusional axe to grind], Chip Donaldson Jr. fears what may come next. “Look, I’m just saying, I can see how there might be a national knee-jerk reaction considering that a disproportionate number of these senseless mass shootings are committed by young white guys, but I just don’t think it’s fair...

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Chicago Mayor Wishes Charter School Teachers a Happy Teacher Appreciation Week

Chicago Mayor Wishes Charter School Teachers a Happy Teacher Appreciation Week

  (above) Mayor Rahm Emanuel asks his security staff to remove a confused Chicago Public school teacher from today’s Charter School Teacher Appreciation Day event after the uninvited guest mistakenly stumbled into the gala and took a bagel that was clearly marked as being for her Charter school colleagues. Emanuel announced that it was another example of union thugs trying to take what’s not theirs. He then returned...

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Rescue Party Still Searching For Journalists Lodged in Washington’s Rectum After WHCD

Rescue Party Still Searching For Journalists Lodged in Washington’s Rectum After WHCD

The orgasmic joy of the White House Correspondents’ Dinner was short-lived this year for a handful of journalists. The eagerly-anticipated event affectionately referred to as “Nerd Prom” by White House insiders and members of the media charged with covering the beltway was a smashing success as usual, but tragedy has cast a long shadow over this year’s festivities as five members of the White House press corps...

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L.A. Clippers’ Owner Receives 2016 Republican Presidential Nomination In Unanimous Vote

L.A. Clippers’ Owner Receives 2016 Republican Presidential Nomination In Unanimous Vote

After a leaked voicemail where LA Clippers ‘owner and chief executive xenophobe, Donald Sterling, allegedly reprimanded his girlfriend for having blacks and Latinos on her Instagram account, The Republican National Committee knew they had their man. “We’ve been working hard to reach a more diverse demographic. The Republican Party is finally ready to spread its wings and become more inclusive, but it can’t be...

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In Response to Outrage, SNL Hires 3 Latino Craft Service Employees

In Response to Outrage, SNL Hires 3 Latino Craft Service Employees

After receiving recent criticism for its historic lack of racial and ethnic diversity, SNL added its first black female cast member since 2007. But as is the case with things like this, this has resulted in other underrepresented demographic groups pouting and complaining vociferously about being left out. Latinos have been particularly harsh critics of the late night sketch show claiming that they have not hired a Latina cast member in...

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