Nothing embodies this great nation like life or death battles for small appliances and discounted electronics.
Nothing, perhaps, except retail violence preceded by an orgy of gravied gluttony.
Every year, Americans trample one another at Wal-Mart for flat screen TVs and $6 dollar coffee makers. This alone would be impressive for any other nation, but we set the bar higher, we aim for the stars and settle for nothing less.
We fend off fellow gladiators while carrying 8 pounds of assorted meats and baked goods in varying stages of digestion, all the while trying to grasp items with greasy hands (one of which may or may not still be holding a drumstick). It is this unparalleled competitive desire, this undying spirit of exploration that sets the U.S. apart from the rest of the world.
This year typical reports of stampedes, stabbings, robberies, and in one case a man pulling a gun on a line-cutter have been reported from stores nationwide. Watch the following footage from a particularly intense fight for a Nintendo Wii that continued all the way back to one woman’s suburban home:
We’re told the child was not hurt.
In the midst of all this action, one suburban Detroit grandmother of 4, armed with only a rolling pin and a dream, came out victorious. “I got a waffle maker for $8 at Wal-Mart and I only trampled 1 uninsured, underpaid Wal-Mart greeter.”
Your handsome and humble servant-