Draconian immigration policies in Georgia and Alabama have gotten a bit of attention recently as fearful parents have pulled their students from Alabama classrooms. Groups have mobilized marches and boycotts. Politicians are trying to navigate the political minefield. Civil rights groups have developed collective hard-ons that have lasted longer than four hours. In a growing number of states residents of burnt sienna hue or beyond on the scary brown spectrum are sleeping with one eye open (probably to keep their eyes on their drugs, guns, and other dastardly accoutrement). Families are beating the brown off their kids and punching them in the mouth so that any perceived accent is inaudible due to fat lips – since Alabama is now targeting school children . Even leathery, over-tanned Caucasian women are running scared – expressionless, but scared nonetheless. But in all this, no one has gotten to the practical things that one can do to avoid having problems with these policies. So, as usual, El Guapo was forced to stop styling his copious chest hair (FYI corn rolls this week) and take immediate action before things got out of control.
El Guapo learned the following after interviewing the states of Alabama and Georgia (while safely ensconced in neighboring Tennessee, wearing a mullet and a leather vest with a Confederate flag to avoid detection):
Ways to successfully navigate the new, improved anti-immigrant states:
  • Stop rolling your Rs
  • Rock your proof of citizenship like a Flava Flav clock. (If undocumented, rock an optical illusion on your chest…buys you some time as authorities sit there dumbfounded.)
  • Stay away from – pick-up trucks, gardening equipment, and Olive Garden kitchens.
  • Stop marching and boycotting – it’s like wearing a big salsa-covered bulls eye.
  • Stop twirling your sinister silent movie villain’s mustache.
  • Replace scorpion decal on your car with something more American, like a Calvin pissing on an undocumented immigrant (next to a Jesus fish).
  • Pick your least favorite child. If approached by the authorities, throw a poncho on him/her and point accusingly.
  • Let an occasional weed creep onto your lawn.
  • Whistle “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” at all times.
  • Grunt “Love it or leave it” randomly and angrily at people.
  • Carry a hacky sack and start kicking it around. It’s comparable to a kitten batting playfully at a yarn ball. No one is going to suspect a damn thing.
  • Blame everything, no matter how preposterous, on immigrants. (“Yeah, those immigrants dun gave me the syphilis and indigestion.”)
Your handsome and humble servant-
El Guapo
[Photo by Jo Jakeman]
El Guapo writes The Daily Refried, and is, without question, the foremost authority on all things sinvergüenza. Follow him on Facebook or Twitter @TheDailyRefried

Comments

comments

  • Raul Ramos y Sanchez

    More advice to avoid suspicion in AZ, AL and GA… 

    Practice this handy phrase: “Hispanic? Hail no! I’m eye-talian.”