The ground was littered with blood, beard, PBR, torn flannel, and mustache wax a mere hour after the Chicago Cubs’ handed the Pittsburgh Pirates a 4-0 loss in Wednesday’s NL Wildcard game. Authorities report that the deadly encounter erupted in The Esoteric Redwood, a hipster-lumberjack bar on Chicago’s Northside. The bar’s hipster patrons were allegedly lulled out of their aloof indifference as large-forearmed lumberjacks began boasting loudly of The Cubs’ dominant pitcher, Jake Arrieta. Unable to control their outrage after hearing the lumberjacks claiming Arrieta as one of their own, several mounted their fix-geared bikes and began circling the axe wielding Arrieta fans. The rest of the details are sketchy but witnesses say the carnage was punctuated with both sides engaging in elaborate preening, using their beards in attempts to demonstrate dominance.
Your handsome and humble servant-