5 Reasons to Vote for 2 Live Crew’s Luke Campbell (Yes…THAT Luke Campbell)

2 Live Crew was a little rap group that could from South Florida that exploded on the national scene in the late 80’s and was immediately beloved by teenage boys, not only for their astute, socially-conscious lyrics (more on this later) but for the feminist agenda that was imbued into every song and video – particularly 1989’s As Nasty as They Wanna Be.

However, 2LC also immediately pissed off a whole lot of people who claimed that Campbell and company’s music was raunchy, obscene, some dare say misogynistic.  For the first time in history, store clerks were arrested for selling an obscene album. The head of this juggernaut of obscenity was one Luke “Skywalker” Campbell, and now – many years older and wiser, Campbell is running for mayor of Miami-Dade County.  Issue one of his campaign – taxing strippers.

At first blush, it might seem like a joke, but here are 5 reasons you should embrace Mr. Campbell’s political aspirations.

1. Keep Your Feigned Moral Outrage in Your Pants. How Bad Can He Be Compared to What We Normally Elect?

Sure, Mr. Campbell’s lyrics include gems like (ask the kids to leave the room):

“Face down, ass up that’s the way I like to…”[well, you can probably figure out the rest]

-Song title: “Face Down, Ass Up”

“Put your lips on my…” [you can probably figure the rest of this one out as well]

-Song title: “Me So Horny”

But before you fan yourself and faint, here are a few elected officials have done things that might conflict with the idea that politicians are noble, honest, god-fearing, walk-on-water types that reach office through some divine mandate.

Here are some political scandals you can google for more information [and quite often, the googling is exactly what got these guys in trouble].  This isn’t an exhaustive list, mind you.  El Guapo doesn’t have that kind of time:

Arnold Schwartzenegger – no explanation needed

John Edwards – Senator and one-time Presidential Candidate continued extramarital affair and fathered a child out of wedlock while wife battled breast cancer .

Bill Clinton – 42nd POTUS. Turned the oval office into the Boom Boom Room – admitting sexual relationship with intern.

Mel Reynolds – Illinois US Rep. had a sexual relationship with a 16 year old. Went to prison.

Larry Craig – US Senator (R) who with a consistent anti-gay voting record pleaded guilty to lewd conduct after being caught in an airport men’s room – I presume with another man.

Mark Foley - Florida Congressman (R) forced to resign after sending underage White House pages sexually explicit text messages.

Elliot Spitzer – New York Governor resigned after 14 months in office when he was linked to high priced call girls.

Clarence Thomas – accused of sexual harassment by Anita Hill.  Included in the many allegations – during a meeting he once asked who had put pubic hair on his Coke. Classy.

Thomas Jefferson – fathered a child with his 17 year old slave.

2. Lack of political experience, you say:

Sarah Palin. ‘Nuff said?  If you can use Twitter, you’re apparently a presidential contender.


3. Can you imagine what a Luke Campbell administration would be like?

Luke: “Before we begin, Sparkles, can you give us a budget summary, please?”

Sparkles: “Should I take my top off?”

Luke: “Who told you to put it on?”

 

4. Like St. Reagan, he is willing to make tough, unpopular choices

Reagan chose to ignore the AIDS epidemic.

Luke will tax strippers.

 

5. We’ve given lawyers a fair shake, rappers (and former rappers) it’s your turn.

How many lawyers in the US senate? 56

Rappers? 0

Does this seem fair to you?

 

Your handsome and humble servant-

El Guapo

Photos by sskennel, schummackergirl1956, faul
 

Harangue (v./n.) – intense verbal attack

 

It’d be far less impressive if piranhas harangued their prey instead of devouring it.

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