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600 Dead as Lumberjacks and Hipsters Fight Over Claim to Cubs’ Jake Arrieta

600 Dead as Lumberjacks and Hipsters Fight Over Claim to Cubs’ Jake Arrieta

The ground was littered with blood, beard, PBR, torn flannel, and mustache wax a mere hour after the Chicago Cubs’ handed the Pittsburgh Pirates a 4-0 loss in Wednesday’s NL Wildcard game. Authorities report that the deadly encounter erupted in The Esoteric Redwood, a hipster-lumberjack bar on Chicago’s Northside. The bar’s hipster patrons were allegedly lulled out of their aloof indifference as large-forearmed...

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Arne Duncan’s Only Regrets: “Some Kids Still Curious; Some Teachers Still Teaching”

Arne Duncan’s Only Regrets: “Some Kids Still Curious; Some Teachers Still Teaching”

During a press conference Friday afternoon, Secretary of Education Arne Duncan announced that he will be stepping down from the post he has held for 7 years. The controversial figure told the group of reporters that he thinks he could have finished the job of creating and implement the ultimate standardized test, one that students would begin in pre-k and complete only upon high school graduation. Working with Pearson, an international...

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Hispanic Heritage Month: Heavy is the Head That Wears The Doritos Sombrero

Hispanic Heritage Month: Heavy is the Head That Wears The Doritos Sombrero

Rejoice for it is here. Boxing matches and beer commercials have indeed marked the start of Hispanic Heritage Month. Everywhere chips and guac are sprinkled generously over festivities. Inflatable cactuses dot the American landscape. TV commercials for McDonald’s begin to feature ethnically ambiguous families with black hair. Christina Aguilera will be on a few extra magazine covers at your local grocery store check out. For Latinos,...

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Republicans Climb Out of NRA Rectum, See Shadow; Tragedies To Continue

Republicans Climb Out of NRA Rectum, See Shadow; Tragedies To Continue

In what’s become a weekly tradition, United States Republicans awoke the morning after another mass shooting and made their way out of the NRA’s colon to stand before an eager crowd on the protruding ridge of the National Rifle Association’s expansive rectum. Donning traditional flag lapel pins and dark, tailored suits, they shuffled around aimlessly in front of flags at half-staff, feeding off the flashbulbs and...

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