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Top Ten: Your 2012 Doomed Resolutions

If you believe the Mayans (and you’d be an idiot not to), time as we know it will end this year.  At first glance this sounds like tragic news, but there’s a silver lining here. Failing to follow through on your resolutions shouldn’t fill you with anguish this year…Your imminent doom at the end of 2012 should fill you with anguish. Let’s start by looking at all the things you won’t join this...

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Jon Bon Jovi Is Undead

Jon Bon Jovi Is Undead

Recent rumors of legendarily mediocre frontman Jon Bon Jovi’s death ripped through the interwebs like Taco Bell through a healthy colon.  And after some serious research, The Daily Refried, has confirmed that he is, in fact, not dead. Don’t celebrate just yet because he’s not quite alive either. Apparently, Jovi – born John Francis Bongiovi – has joined the ranks of the undead along with a few other notable...

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Santa Slips Into Cookie-Induced Diabetic Coma… Thanks Kids

Santa Slips Into Cookie-Induced Diabetic Coma… Thanks Kids

Santa has had a long and much-publicized battle with his weight.  TMZ and the Enquirer recently published photos of him on holiday with his wife.  Unfortunately, due to his habit of going nude at every opportunity, this is the only photo The Daily Refried could show you: In this photo, Santa was just off to the right wearing only mistletoe and making sexually-explicit candy cane puns to shocked beach-goers. The tabloids have relentlessly...

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Ben Roethlisberger Injured.Pittsburgh Women Ordered Indoors During Recovery

Ben Roethlisberger Injured.Pittsburgh Women Ordered Indoors During Recovery

Fantasy Football enthusiasts and suspicious women everywhere are watching the developments of  Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger’s recent ankle injury carefully.  Injured in last Sunday’s game, Roethlisberger is favoring that leg and walking with a limp. The city of Pittsburgh – unsure of just how this has affected his mobility and reach – has decided to risk erring on the side of caution.  Authorities...

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Charlie Brown’s Holiday-Triggered Suicide Was Preventable, Claims Surly Psychiatrist

Charlie Brown’s Holiday-Triggered Suicide Was Preventable, Claims Surly Psychiatrist

Charlie Brown had battled obvious depression since 1950, but the holidays were always especially challenging. His life-long psychiatrist and confidant, Lucy Van Pelt says it didn’t have to end this way. She claims that the recent economic downturn had not missed Brown. He had been recently laid-off from Peppermint Patty’s Birkenstock factory and was unable to scrape together the 5 cents to cover her sessions and was, as a...

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