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600 Dead as Lumberjacks and Hipsters Fight Over Claim to Cubs’ Jake Arrieta

600 Dead as Lumberjacks and Hipsters Fight Over Claim to Cubs’ Jake Arrieta

The ground was littered with blood, beard, PBR, torn flannel, and mustache wax a mere hour after the Chicago Cubs’ handed the Pittsburgh Pirates a 4-0 loss in Wednesday’s NL Wildcard game. Authorities report that the deadly encounter erupted in The Esoteric Redwood, a hipster-lumberjack bar on Chicago’s Northside. The bar’s hipster patrons were allegedly lulled out of their aloof indifference as large-forearmed...

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Arne Duncan’s Only Regrets: “Some Kids Still Curious; Some Teachers Still Teaching”

Arne Duncan’s Only Regrets: “Some Kids Still Curious; Some Teachers Still Teaching”

During a press conference Friday afternoon, Secretary of Education Arne Duncan announced that he will be stepping down from the post he has held for 7 years. The controversial figure told the group of reporters that he thinks he could have finished the job of creating and implement the ultimate standardized test, one that students would begin in pre-k and complete only upon high school graduation. Working with Pearson, an international...

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Hispanic Heritage Month: Heavy is the Head That Wears The Doritos Sombrero

Hispanic Heritage Month: Heavy is the Head That Wears The Doritos Sombrero

Rejoice for it is here. Boxing matches and beer commercials have indeed marked the start of Hispanic Heritage Month. Everywhere chips and guac are sprinkled generously over festivities. Inflatable cactuses dot the American landscape. TV commercials for McDonald’s begin to feature ethnically ambiguous families with black hair. Christina Aguilera will be on a few extra magazine covers at your local grocery store check out. For Latinos,...

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Republicans Climb Out of NRA Rectum, See Shadow; Tragedies To Continue

Republicans Climb Out of NRA Rectum, See Shadow; Tragedies To Continue

In what’s become a weekly tradition, United States Republicans awoke the morning after another mass shooting and made their way out of the NRA’s colon to stand before an eager crowd on the protruding ridge of the National Rifle Association’s expansive rectum. Donning traditional flag lapel pins and dark, tailored suits, they shuffled around aimlessly in front of flags at half-staff, feeding off the flashbulbs and...

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On Route to Protest Brutality Towards African Lion, Outraged Officer Stops to Brutalize African American Driver

On Route to Protest Brutality Towards African Lion, Outraged Officer Stops to Brutalize African American Driver

After his shift Tuesday, veteran Texas State Trooper Declan Morris made his way to the station eager to change out of his uniform and shoot down I-35 to join his wife at a local rally to show their disdain towards the brutal treatment of African lions. “After hearing about that American dentist who recently hunted and killed that regal creature, Meghan and I knew we couldn’t stand idly by. I mean, for god’s sake, those...

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After Recent Mass Shooting, Young White Males Fear Racial Profiling

After Recent Mass Shooting, Young White Males Fear Racial Profiling

After [insert most recent national tragedy committed by a lone Caucasian lunatic with access to a slew of firearms and a delusional axe to grind], Chip Donaldson Jr. fears what may come next. “Look, I’m just saying, I can see how there might be a national knee-jerk reaction considering that a disproportionate number of these senseless mass shootings are committed by young white guys, but I just don’t think it’s fair...

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Chicago Mayor Wishes Charter School Teachers a Happy Teacher Appreciation Week

Chicago Mayor Wishes Charter School Teachers a Happy Teacher Appreciation Week

  (above) Mayor Rahm Emanuel asks his security staff to remove a confused Chicago Public school teacher from today’s Charter School Teacher Appreciation Day event after the uninvited guest mistakenly stumbled into the gala and took a bagel that was clearly marked as being for her Charter school colleagues. Emanuel announced that it was another example of union thugs trying to take what’s not theirs. He then returned...

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Rescue Party Still Searching For Journalists Lodged in Washington’s Rectum After WHCD

Rescue Party Still Searching For Journalists Lodged in Washington’s Rectum After WHCD

The orgasmic joy of the White House Correspondents’ Dinner was short-lived this year for a handful of journalists. The eagerly-anticipated event affectionately referred to as “Nerd Prom” by White House insiders and members of the media charged with covering the beltway was a smashing success as usual, but tragedy has cast a long shadow over this year’s festivities as five members of the White House press corps...

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L.A. Clippers’ Owner Receives 2016 Republican Presidential Nomination In Unanimous Vote

L.A. Clippers’ Owner Receives 2016 Republican Presidential Nomination In Unanimous Vote

After a leaked voicemail where LA Clippers ‘owner and chief executive xenophobe, Donald Sterling, allegedly reprimanded his girlfriend for having blacks and Latinos on her Instagram account, The Republican National Committee knew they had their man. “We’ve been working hard to reach a more diverse demographic. The Republican Party is finally ready to spread its wings and become more inclusive, but it can’t be...

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Happy Valentine’s Day, Cochinos: Love, Sinverguenza Style

Happy Valentine’s Day, Cochinos: Love, Sinverguenza Style

If there’s one thing that sin- and someverguenzas share, is the basic human need for love and affection.  Of course, these two groups’ take on love and all “related topics” could not be more different.  Here El Guapo generously applies the hand sanitizer and puts on the latex gloves to explore the sinverguenza world of love and romance. “Love is a serious mental disease”  ~ Plato Considering that the above quote...

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